


Everything Stays

by anotherdirtycomputer



Category: Avengers Academy (Comics), Marvel (Comics), Young Avengers (Comics)
Genre: Bisexual Tommy Shepherd, Canon Compliant, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Tommy-centric, i dont actually know if its canon compliant for brandon but marvel did him dirty so, im a coward i cant write smut :/, implied/discussed csa, mentions of csa, no sexytimes but implied sexytimes as well, technically, trans tommy shepherd, trauma time: the fanfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-21
Updated: 2018-02-21
Packaged: 2019-03-21 23:45:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13751700
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anotherdirtycomputer/pseuds/anotherdirtycomputer
Summary: It's not the fear that keeps him running - it's everything that's left when the fear is gone.





	Everything Stays

**Author's Note:**

> ive been writing this since like. october. i want it GONE, i hate this fic now but consider this: im gay and want more tommy fic on this damn website. this is probably way out-of-character for brandon, but i'm like, one of the only people that have ever read the comics hes in so im not sure who all will care ajdklsf either way, enjoy this sad and occasionally gay nonsense! its got some eli in it because i love him. needs more david, though. ill get some thinkfast fic and some tommy/eli fic out eventually, hopefully. for now, tho, im gonna get back to working on my frostmaster fic!!!! hmu @transboythor on tumblr or @peebengo on twitter if you've got any fic requests or if you want to see me cry about figure skating!

Tommy Shepherd hated anything that felt too permanent. It wasn’t so much for fear of commitment; he was deeply loyal, after all, to a fault, and he easily attached himself to the idea of belonging - of staying. He’d spend a lifetime by someone’s side if they asked. Two, even, if Billy’s presence in his life meant anything.

No, Tommy’s problem was feeling trapped. No matter how much he wanted to stay, his anxious, restless legs wouldn’t let him. Fear gripped him, containing him like four white walls, long white hallways, men in white coats - Tommy hadn’t thought he’d ever make it out of that place, dead  _ or _ alive; after so long trapped, he almost didn’t care. He’d been through so much suffering at their hands that he’d slowly grown numb to the pain.

The Kaplan’s home, nice as it had been, had brought all those horrible memories back, this time without the apathy that had helped him survive. Four walls, long hallways, all clean and warmly lit; photographs lines the walls and the real, genuine smiles in the frames made it feel like home. The feeling clung to him like sap and syrup. He couldn’t fucking  _ leave _ . He’d go out and he’d run and run and run and he’d just be out there  _ thinking _ and  _ wondering _ and  _ waiting _ . The Kaplans’ home was a place of real love and real care, and it would never change or go anywhere. The Kaplans had never moved and likely never would. The only change that happened under the Kaplans’ roof was that which time wrought - children ages and moved out, or one day would, or, in Tommy’s case, children aged and moved in. It wasn’t at all like it had been at that shitty trailer park in New Jersey with the Shepherds.

He had a curfew, now, for one -  _ trapped _ \- and his own room (the guest room) with four walls -  _ trapped _ \- and a brother who fucking loved him and cared whether he lived or died -  **_trapped_ ** _ - _

It wasn’t Tommy’s home. It wasn’t “juvie”, either, but the nightmares didn’t care. The waking dreams of Tommy’s worst days didn’t care. So, he left. The feelings clung to him like sap and syrup, but he left, or tried to, physically, and did his best not to think of it as escaping. More than that, he tried not to dwell on Billy’s sad look as he walked out the door.

-

He was homeless for a while, but he was lucky; he could use his speed to snatch a meal or two and he was good at lying to his friends about having a place to stay. They were happy to have him over a night or two, anyways, up until Tommy stayed a few too many nights at Eli’s and tipped him off about his true living situation, which caused a… confrontation, of sorts. An  _ intervention _ , if Tommy was brave enough to call it that.

“Tommy,” Eli sighed. “It’s not my business,” But Eli knew it was his business. That’s how friendship worked. That was the function of love. Tommy hated it. “But you can’t live like this.”

Tommy had gone still and quiet. Close as he was to Eli, they didn’t usually talk feelings. “Working pretty well for me so far.” It came out too defensive. The anger in his tone was only fear.  _ Guilt _ .

“Tommy-” Eli sighed again, that sigh that Tommy always forced from him; hard and long through his nose. “I- I know the team breaking up messed you up more than anyone else but… You have to move on. We all have to, and we all want to help you.” He scratched his neck awkwardly. “I want to.”

Tommy didn’t know how to tell him that it hadn’t been the Young Avengers disbanding that had wrecked his head to ruins. It was just another drop in the ocean.

Tommy’s legs bounced anxiously, like a rabbit ready to run. Eli caring about him made him happy, but it also terrified him and left his stomach hurting. It made him feel afraid, like doctors and cigarettes and curfews did; like Billy’s questions and Billy’s smile and Mrs. Kaplan’s friendly, invasive eyes did. He told Eli he understood and then he ran.

Tommy didn’t see him again for a while after that.

Actually, he didn’t see  _ anyone _ for a while; Teddy, Kate, Billy,  _ anyone _ … He wanted to, but… he also  _ didn’t _ want to. To avoid the feelings he was grappling with, he got a shitty Hell-Time torture job for idiot cucks, working his own equivalent for literally weeks a day for minimum wage and no paid overtime. 

At least it paid at all. And it fulfilled its duty - it was hard for Tommy to be miserable about traumatic bullshit when he was busy being miserable about his job. Something about that was freeing; freeing enough, at least.

Shitty as the job may have been, Tommy was pleased to find that his coworker David was cool. The guy seemed ready to leave his ass in a moment and yet never did. They went out for lunch, talked, even joked; and it felt good. It felt good to have a friend again. David was  _ cool _ . He used to be a superhero, too.

-

Tommy felt every moment in that fucking hellscape, every  _ moment _ of not existing. It was not pain. It was not numbness. It was not nothing, and yet it could not be something, because he did not exist.  _ He did not exist. _

But it hadn’t been the first time, had it?

All moments reborn brought him to the arms of Billy. His brother held him tightly after his sudden return, his brown eyes wet and his bottom lip shaking but firm. Tommy didn’t know anyone could actually miss him, but Billy had. Billy had always been there, even when he wasn’t. Feeling even worse for leaving the way he did, all Tommy could do was hold his brother in return.

And, hey, he’d woken up to a  _ party _ . This was no time to feel sad, or scared, or anything at all. Why think about the fact that they’d thrown a party before discovering whether he was alive or dead when he can hug his brother and dance?

Kate was there, and she seemed sad, too, so he spent the night in her orbit. He got the gist of what happened while he was nonexistent from her while they danced. Apparently Teddy and Billy had split up because of weird magic, which explained the awkward tension between them that had never existed before. Tommy avoided them for a while with Kate, both of them agreeing that the boys could use some time together to talk things out and go back to being proper partners. He missed his brother, but Kate was good company. A  _ Young Avenger _ . It hurt, deep, that they’d gotten together without him, didn’t even use Billy’s magic to try and locate him or look him up through friends or -  _ but _ Kate was a good dancer and her lips were soft and she didn’t love him and wasn’t going to ask him to stay or to leave. It was easy. He was free to run away as soon as he wanted. He stayed and touched her sides and they danced. She needed a rebound and he needed - anything. He needed anything.

After a while, though, people started leaving the party to go home or to go fuck or whatever else. Tommy didn’t want to leave. He was terrified of being alone, of being trapped with what had happened. He didn’t want to be stuck in his head, he wanted to be  _ here _ , dancing and laughing and existing.

Billy offered to take him home, but he lied and said he’d call and Uber.

Billy raised an eyebrow. “You have a phone?”

“Nope.” Billy looked disappointed at that, and tired, but Tommy just grinned teasingly. It was good to see Billy again. “The joke is that I  _ run _ .”

“Oh.” Billy’s face blushed red and he sighed deeply, obviously fighting a smile. He looked so sullen. Tommy wanted to make him laugh. “Right.”

They talked a small bit more after that, Tommy not quite ready to leave Billy’s company and Billy not ready to leave his. Billy asked too many times if Tommy was okay, Teddy, too, and Tommy was having a difficult time lying. He joked and smiled, however, congratulating them on getting back together and saving the world with their raw gay energy.

That made Teddy laugh. “We did, didn’t we?”

Billy had smirked a bit, trying to fight a smile, and Tommy pretended to gag while they flirted. He’d missed them so much.

But then it really  _ was _ getting late, and Billy still looked sad and both of them looked tired and like they needed each other more than Tom. So, he told them it was time to call it a night.

Teddy wished Tommy goodnight, whispering his support in his ear discretely as he hugged him close. Momentarily startled by how much he loved the big blond nerd, Tommy said nothing, simply accepting the kind words with a soberness he didn’t want to possess. He was proud to call Teddy his brother, he realized, in fact he was proud even just to know both of them. He missed being on a team with them. Hell, he missed them  _ period _ .

He waved goodbye to the pair as Billy magicked them away to probably have weird make-up sex or cry in a shared bed, and then was left alone, suddenly, except for Billy’s residual magick - the stuff that clung to Tommy and left his bones feeling restless and strange.

Not he  _ really _ didn’t want to leave.

Luckily, some of the remaining partiers seemed ready to stay until dawn, or noon, or midnight the next night. Tommy could mingle for as long as he wanted.

As it turned out, he didn’t have to.

He made his way easily over to the other partiers but was only there for a short moment before a friendly hand snaked its way suddenly to his hip. He stood stock-still in surprise, ready to bolt if he needed to.

“Hey, handsome,” said a voice, which Tommy discovered, upon turning to raised an incredulous eyebrow, belonged to a guy his age with dark hair. Little white streaks shone through, the colorful lights making them dance. There were lightning-shaped scars framing his face and he seemed drunk, but not from drink. Tommy was willing to bet this guy didn’t get out much. Sometimes people got  _ wild _ on the rush of a night out - especially at this hour. Regardless, this guy was courageous.

Tommy was okay with playing along so he replied, “Hey, yourself.” He wasn’t sure what to do about the hand on his waist, though. The guy was good-looking, and seemed fun, but going further than party time would open a whole can of worms that Tommy really wasn’t sure he was prepared to lie in. On the other hand…

Anything was better than being left alone. Tommy needed to  _ exist _ right now.

The guy giggled, pulling Tommy closer. After glancing around and making a less-than-a-split-second decision, Tommy let him. The people around him were familiar strangers, all of which had once been or were currently teen heroes. And most of them were queer, anyways. He didn’t need to hide.

“What’s your name?” asked the very attractive mistake Tommy would be making tonight.

Tommy tried to look flirtatious. “I’m Tommy. Might know me as Speed.” He shrugged. “Who are you,” His lips quirked into a teasing, but inviting smile. “Handsome?”

_ Is this how guys flirt? _ wondered Tommy, secretly.  _ I need to work on my game. _

“Hm,” the guy seemed to be getting kind of nervous now that he’d slowed down a bit, though he was decent at hiding it. Snails were like that, Tommy had noticed - they get all worked up and then slowly pull away from it when they realize what they’re doing.

Very cute.

“I’m Brandon. Brandon Sharpe. I’m an actor now, but I was Striker for a while.” He shrugged and laughed easily. “If you ever heard of me.”

Tommy raised his eyebrows in surprise. “I remember… You came out on T.V.; my brother talked about that. That was a while ago now.”

Brandon shrugged. “Yeah, well, what can I say? I’ve always been pretty extra.” He swayed them a bit, his grip on Tommy’s hips growing a bit uncertain.

_ Okay _ , thought Tommy, in a tone that reminded him worryingly og Kate.  _ He’s definitely getting cuter _ .

“I, uh,” he started with a humorless laugh. He pressed himself closer to Brandon to make up for it. “I’m actually not out yet. Sometimes, even to myself.”

Brandon’s eyes grew wide, his hands almost coming entirely off Tommy’s hips. They came back quickly, firm. Then, discreetly moving a hand up to Tommy’s side under his shirt, he asked, in a whisper, “Is now one of those times?”

Pretty slick for a guy so nervous… “If you’re wondering if I’d like to go home with you tonight, Striker,” Tommy smirked. “The answer is yes.”

-

The walk to Brandon’s place started off awkwardly -  _ very _ awkwardly. Tommy could easily run them there, but it was a nice night, and the chill of the wind was grounding and perfect. 

“So,” Tommy asked, trying to save the mood. “You said you’re an actor. What kind of stuff do you do?”

Brandon rubbed the back of his neck, looking pleasantly surprised. “T.V. Mostly, uh, commercials, but-”

Tommy couldn’t help the laugh that sprung out of his chest. Before Brandon could take it the wrong way, he said, “ _ Showbiz. _ You save the world or whomestever-the-fuck and they’ve got you advertising  _ Listerine _ .”

A genuine laugh bubbled out of Brandon, and he seemed to grow slightly less nervous. “I wish I could advertise  _ Listerine _ . I can barely even land the lowest of roles at this point.”

Tommy hummed thoughtfully, bringing some flirt back. “I’ll bet you’re a good actor. Better than any  _ Listerine _ commercial deserves, that’s for sure.”

That brought color to Brandon’s cheeks and Tommy, again, couldn’t help checking him out. No wonder the guy was an actor - he had a  _ really _ nice face. “I don’t know about that.” But he was smiling, so Tommy counted that as a win.

“Do you like acting?” Tommy realized with a start that his questions were genuine; it helped, of course, that Brandon was a hot guy who found him attractive, but Tommy was sure he’d find him interesting regardless.

“Yeah,” replied Brandon thoughtfully. “It’s, uh,” He laughed, which he seemed to be doing a lot of.  _ A nervous tick? _ wondered Tommy. “It’s always been my dream. Sometimes I wish I’d started later, though.”

That surprised Tommy. He blinked twice, then cautiously murmured, “Why’s that?”

Immediately, Brandon seemed on edge, a feeling Tommy understood well enough to recognize as trauma, so he pushed easily on in a slightly different direction.

“Don’t worry about it. You were a child actor?”

Brandon nodded, looking relieved, though still put out. Oops. “Yeah. My mom… She supported me. Always has.” He seemed to realize that bringing up one’s mother made for bad one-nght-stand small talk and quickly asked, “What about you? You have any big hobby or  _ dream of stardom _ ?” Brandon put his hand up, jazzing it sarcastically, making his eyes wide and doe-like.

Tommy laughed. At least Brandon didn’t take himself  _ too _ seriously. “Used to.” His own honestly shocked him - this wasn’t something he’d shared with anyone else in detail. “I, uh. Wanted to be an Olympic figure skater.” He shrugged, embarrassed, but smiled at the memory of blades over ice. “Still do, sometimes. But, that mostly ended when I was young and my coach…” He waved his hand vaguely, hating his mouth for being faster than his head. And right after he’d called out snails for doing the exact same thing… Tommy felt a surge of annoyance at himself. “Yeah,” he finished dully. He fell quiet then and tried like Hell not to think about it too much.

Did everything in his life have to be so traumatizing?

“I,” Brandon coughed, his hands stuffed in his pockets stiffly. “I’m starting to fear we had a similar experience, Tommy.”

They met eyes waiting for the crosswalk, and there was so much understanding there that Tommy could have shouted.

Instead, he asked, “You wanna just watch a movie tonight instead?”

Brandon’s grin was blinding and gave Tommy the sudden thought of  _ Holy fuck I’m bisexual _ . “Hell yes.”

Tommy couldn’t help it - he laughed. “Good, good… I was starting to worry about the logistics, anyways. I doubt you’ve been with a guy like me before.”

Brandon grinned crookedly, an eyebrow cocked curiously. “A guy like you?”

“Trans.” Tommy supplied easily.

“Oh.” Brandon blinked. “Oh!” Brandon huffed a nervous laugh. “If we’re being honest… I’ve never been with  _ any _ guy, before, not like that. Well, except, y’know, but-”

Tommy laughed, feeling a mixture of fondness, solidarity, and Brandon’s own rising panic. “Me either.”

Brandon laughed, too. “Are we a mess, Tommy?”

“I think we’re a mess, Brandon.”

But the smile in both their voices made it a wonderful thing to be.

-

They ended up watching  _ Nacho Libre  _ and then, when neither felt like sleeping,  _ Shrek 2 _ (“the best movie of all time”, Tommy swore, making Brandon snort with laughter). They curled up together under one of Brandon’s few blankets in his gloriously shitty apartment, sometimes talking so much they’d forget to watch the movie.

When the sun started coming up in earnest, Brandon asked if Tommy had any plans, which he didn’t, beyond avoiding his loved ones and nervously wanting to ask Brandon out again.

“You’re welcome to stay, then. Get some sleep, maybe… I know I am.”

Tommy’s eyebrows went up. “Oh! Yeah, sounds cool. I’ll take the couch.”

“Uh, no you won’t.” Brandon crossed his arms. “You are my  _ guest _ , Thomas, the bed is yours.”

Tommy snorted. “It’s  _ your _ bed,  _ handsome _ . I’m fine out here, I mean that.”

Brandon sighed. “There’s only one way to settle this… We cuddle.”

Tommy grinned, raising an eyebrow. “You wanna share the couch?

Brandon laughed. “Sorry, smartass, but you’re wrong. We will be sharing the night’s  _ original _ destination of  _ the bed _ .” He waggled his eyebrows suggestively and Tommy giggled happily.

“As long as you don’t get fresh, Mr. Sharpe, that suits me perfectly.” But then Tommy cocked his head to the side and looked at Brandon coyly. “At least, not  _ too _ fresh.”

They bickered jokingly about who was going to be little spoon, but in the end they fell asleep with Brandon’s head on Tommy’s bare chest. He had been intrigued and infatuated with the twin scars on Tommy’s flat chest, kindly ignoring the other, more ragged scars littering his body. The pink blush that had undoubtedly stained Tommy’s cheeks was no match for his rare, genuine grin at Brandon’s happy acceptance. Tommy slept restfully for the first time in ages, dreaming of lightning and warm eyes.

-

When they woke, it was very late in the afternoon, and Brandon’s phone was blowing up with messages - some even, to Tommy’s surprise, from Billy.

The texts read, “Hey, this is Billy Kaplan. I heard my brother Tommy went home with u last night. Can u tell me where he is? Thx” then “Hello?” an hour later, and an after after that, “Let me know if hes okay please”

Tommy sighed in mild embarrassment, but he couldn’t be mad at Billy for giving a damn. This is what Tommy had wanted for so long, right? Apparently, being forced into nonexistence was all it took.

Brandon gave Tommy the phone to call his brother. “Please let him know I didn’t kill you,” he said, looking serious.

Tommy stuck his tongue out, mouthing ‘maybe’ as the phone connected, calling Billy’s number.

_ Click _ . Then, “Hey, B,” Tommy cheerfully greeted.

“ _ Oh, thank you, _ ” Billy whispered to no one. “ _ Tommy, are you okay? I was getting really worried.” _

Tommy laughed. “I’m okay. I slept all day at Brandon’s. He and I are both alive and not dead or injured in any way. He tried to murder me way less than most people.” Brandon shot him two thumbs up and he smiled back. “Brandon’s a cool guy; I think you’d like him.” Brandon put a hand over his chest, pretending to smile bashfully. His hair was still mussed with sleep and Tommy was still trying not to fall in love.

“ _ Uh, that’s cool, I guess,” _ Billy sighed in a way that suggested he didn’t care about Brandon’s coolness at all. “ _ Sorry for freaking out. Losing you was…” _ The smile fell off Tommy’s face, his eyes leaving Brandon’s. “ _ It was… _ ”

“Hey, Billy, it’s okay…” He struggled for the words. “That isn’t gonna happen again. It was a one time thing and hey - now I’m back! I’m not gonna leave you again.” He swallowed. “And uh - sorry for being so hard to contact.”

Billy sighed again. “ _ Yeah, well, it’s fine. My folks had an extra line, so you’re getting a free phone so I can keep in touch with you. I’m… I’m going to be a better brother. _ ” His voice grew thick and wet, and Tommy hurried to comfort him. “ _ No, no, Tommy, I mean it _ .” He coughed, reeling himself in. “ _ I didn’t even know where you were. If it weren’t for David… _ ”

“Hey, hey,” Tommy soothed. “It’s okay. I’ll come by in a bit to pick up the phone and then we can catch up and stuff, right?”

There was a pause when Tommy assumed Billy was nodding. “ _ Sounds good. Sounds good. I’ll, uh. I’m gonna hand up now, T.” _

“Okay. Bye, and, uh, love you.” He said it so fast he almost hoped Billy didn’t hear it.

“ _ Oh! Um. I, uh, wow, love you, too! Bye, Tommy.” _

And Billy hung up. Tommy wondered briefly if they had identical shocked expressions on their faces.

Brandon came back into the smallish bedroom, eyes wide. Tommy was grateful to him for giving him a bit of privacy. “Your brother seems to care about you. Do you live with him?”

Tommy took a gamble. “I… don’t live anywhere.”

Brandon seemed to stall for a moment, like a computer with too many commands. Then he said, “I could always use a roommate.”

And Tommy grinned.

**Author's Note:**

> comments and kudos are a speedster's best friends!


End file.
